Validation is a step towards self-acceptance as well as one of the bedrocks of successfully relating to other people. When we validate as the first thing, before offering any solutions, we are allowing the other person to be who they are without judgement. It creates a safe space for them to express and show up in an authentic way. Yet it is so foreign in our society, where it’s more common to either ignore, gloss over or try to fix each other’s internal experiences. This however leads to suppression of our personal truth and parallel perceptual realities, where we ultimately feel like others cannot really see or understand us. In more extreme cases of emotional invalidation, your reality will seem separated by a pain of glass, where you can see out, but noone can see in.

Here's two examples of invalidation in a scenario where your friend tells you she is sad, but doesn't know why.
1. Obvious way of invalidating would be to pause and change the subject or pause and talk about the problems you are facing. 
2. Less obvious way of invalidating: telling her as the first thing that you hope she will feel better soon; or offer her solutions. 

Why is this invalidation? Because in neither case, the person who shared is given the message that it's okay, perfectly understandable and acceptable to feel how she is (already) feeling. 

If you are validating, you want to make it right for them to be exactly where they are. You might choose to express it in any way that feels natural, such as: I can see that you are feeling down right now and I'm sure there is a valid reason for it. It's okay to feel how you feel. Nothing has to change for me to be here with you, etc. 

Our feelings are real and when they come up, nothing has gone wrong. Our perspective in life is always in perfect accordance to the specific life experiences we’ve had. Having someone really see us and stay present without asking us to change gives us a feeling of being understood, accepted and being ok the way we are. This is what so many of us crave and never got as we were growing up. Starting to validate others will not only deepen your relationships and create trust. It will also fundamentally change your relationship with yourself.

When I first started validating, it felt artificial. I struggled to find the right words as I started practicing with a friend of mine. We’d both validate each other’s choices, feelings, thoughts, actions and give each other feedback. It was a lot of fun and just knowing that I could count on her to have the intention to relate to my experience, made me feel like I finally had space to be and settle into what was really going on for me. Whatever my boundary, it would be respected. Whatever feeling I had, it would be looked at with care and curiosity. My life started to feel softer, and I started to feel more free. And that was just the beginning.

Validating is not only about giving something that the other may need, it’s also about your personal growth. You are changing your way of thinking about and relating to people, so your experience of others in general will shift. You will start to naturally notice much more about what's happening to those around you, but from the space of ‘how is this right for them’, and this will gently push you into compassion towards things you may have previously judged. You will be able to see what’s underneath the things that you had an aversion towards. Don’t be surprised to realize that this journey of validating, is a journey within as much as a journey without. You will come to face your own prejudices, your own projections, fears, judgements and vulnerability. Everything we face in relationships, is a reflection of a part in ourselves. But I can assure you, validating each and every experience is worth it in so many ways. And with some practice, you will soon become good at it as it will become your second nature.

 

HOW TO VALIDATE:

1.       Stay present with the other person when they express, noticing the feeling behind their words.

2.       Acknowledge the emotion the other person is having, giving it safe space to be received.

3.      Accurately and genuinely reflect back to them with your own words what they are expressing/feeling/thinking/sensing with an intention of truly understanding (which is not the same as agreeing). People vary in their ability to know their own feelings, so this step can have the addition benefit of creating clarity for the receiver. This is you aiming to see the other person’s perspective from their perspective, not from yours. Be prepared for corrections from the other person, if you are not yet able to tune into them.

4.       Stay aware of the bigger picture. This means showing understanding of the other also in terms of their specific past experiences and biology.

5.       Sometimes your personal experiences will be overlapping, and you can use that to share as equals. 


After validating, feel free to discuss solutions and intentions, if the other person is ready for it and inviting it. You have just created a base for trust, so this next step will go much easier.


- Maarja Lall