When we were growing up, there was a lot we did not decide for ourselves, most decisions about our lives were made for us. We slowly grew into taking more and more responsibility and claim for our lives. We started to have more authority over different areas in our lives, whereas in some areas the growth was slower than in others. For some people there was hardly any freedom for decision-making and taking responsibility, the outside influence being rather suffocating. For others, there was so much freedom, that it felt like no stability, certainty or regulation existed at all. Most people fall somewhere in between. This space, in which you could make decisions to a certain degree, evolved, and it was there you practiced having authority and hence, responsibility over your life.


Now, if you feel resistance to authority, look at the framework that surrounded this ‘space of free will’, when you were growing up. There were many authority figures, most likely the  dominant ones being your parents, perhaps a sibling. Then there were teachers, friends, relatives. These were the people whose actions and decisions influenced your well-being on a daily basis. They formed your impressions of what it feels like to be in the position of someone having authority over you. Obviously, you would have felt most impacted by your primary caregiver and the impact from the rest melted into that. I’m going to offer two scenarios that play a role, if we develop resistance to authority that comes up repetitively in our adult lives.

Sidenote: I’m not talking about resistance we may have to an unfair authority figure in our adult lives. That’s a whole different topic! You should have resistance to an unfair authority figure. I’m talking about resistance to authority as such, which means resistance to power and hierarchy. Meaning you don’t want to be a part of it at all, even if it’s fair, organized etc.

Scenario 1. You had an authority figure in your early life whom you felt attached to or looked up to, but you felt they rejected you in some way.

Scenario 2. You had an authority figure in your early life whom you disliked or even despised, and could not escape from.

In both scenarios, you were in a vulnerable position and the authority figure did not take your needs or your best interest into account. There was no solution, for you. You could not endear yourself to the first one, and you could not escape from the second one. You felt as if you have no personal power… because you didn’t. Maybe this situation occurred seldom, in specific occasions, or maybe it was the norm. The more you had this experience, the deeper your wound of authority. Now, whenever someone is in authority, there are parts in you afraid that the old scenarios would repeat. On a deep level, authority feels threatening to your safety, and you feel vulnerable to it. The saddest part of all, is that although you probably strongly lean towards one of these scenarios and not the other, what’s happened is that if you know you experienced either, you actually experienced both, relative to the same person. Let me explain.

The explanation is two-fold. First, let’s take layers, which is the more obvious and more conscious of the two. As a child, there is a point at which our parents make sense to us. We make them make sense to us, everything they do, even if they are abusive. We accept what is and make ourselves the reason for the negative feelings we experience. This is one layer. At one point this shifts and we see their shortcomings. A new layer of meaning is created relative to the authority figure. Second, let’s take parts. Parts are aspects of us that have their own separate needs and perspectives. If we consider the above two scenarios as overlapping, as being two perspectives of the child, relative the same dynamic; you can see that there is a part that was powerless to move toward the authority figure, and at the same time, a part that was powerless to move away from it. These parts can pull us in different directions and create a freeze as a result. They represent an internal split relative to authority in our lives.

When we start to uncover the associations we hold about authority, it’s easy to simplify it and stick to the dominant part, which is the one closer to our awareness. That is why I wanted to show you the two scenarios and explain how both would have occurred, even if you can only see one of them in yourself at first. Both will need attention, to fully resolve the trigger. For example, if there is a part that felt like a victim to an early life authority figure, you will come across the victimizer when you move deeper in your healing process. If there was a part that hated the authority figure, you will come across the part that genuinely loved them or their perception of them. These inner contradictions need to be made space for with compassion and open curiosity, in order to move them out of being stuck in past perceptions of authority.

So here we are. We get triggered and feel the discomfort with authority. We end up resisting authority as such, having problems with authority, whether these internal processes get expressed or not. There are parts of us that never found resolution for the dynamics that hurt us. Anything that resembles the past situation or dynamic close enough, will bring these parts to the surface to complete the cycle, so to say. That’s why in some situations, where it logically seems completely uncalled for to go into a trigger, we still do.

We need to separate out the trauma we experienced around authority in our early life, and authority in our current life – and deal with the first one as a priority. Underneath all these feelings of fear, desperation, anger, inadequacy, unworthiness that may be surfacing relative to authority now, is a deep sense of powerlessness that was experienced as a child. On the conceptual level it’s easy to understand this. On an emotional level, it is no way an easy experience to move through. It’s like making a choice, which you learned via experience, is the worst choice of all. Hell, of course it’s difficult to drop into those vulnerable feelings and it’s understandable that they have been kept in bay thus far. But the thing is, there are parts of you ALREADY in that experience.

Once you connect to them, you can allow the feelings to be felt completely and they will start to resolve. You will move forward and realize that on a very fundamental level, as an adult, no one can have direct authority over you at all, unless you choose into it. You would, of course, choose into it for various reasons in various situations. But the thing is, you don’t have to, when it comes down to it. That’s the realization these parts of you need to make for healing to occur. You are sovereign. As an adult, it’s you, rightfully governing your life. This realization needs to happen on a deeper lever, way beyond mentally thinking it’s true as you engage with this topic. I am just someone else saying this is true. You need to discover it within yourself.

Although perhaps it wasn’t always so, you absolutely can act autonomously in your life now. This means operating from the inside out, with enough presence and capacity to do so from your free will, not needing authorization of others. It’s a tall order, for sure.. And it makes sense that it is a process that takes time. But this is where we are headed, if we walk the path of awareness and integration. You are no exception. You will step more and more into your own authority, and the influence from the outside will not create a freeze, avoidance - nor change your authentic decisions.


- Maarja Lall