Maybe we don’t talk about it that much. We’d rather hide it away and try to cope with it in avoidant ways to not feel the shame. Rejection is a root of low self-worth. It highlights aspects of us that others, or perhaps no one, wants. This article is about what to do when you’ve experienced a lot of rejection in your life. Perhaps it will help you look at it and give you some pointers for processing a deeper layer of this experience using a tool that I’ll be describing.

 
 For starters, know that each person has their own story of rejection. Whether it keeps on being played out, is connected to how self-rejecting someone has become from having had those experiences – those experiences that they didn’t deserve in the first place. The way towards self-approval, which is opposite of self-rejection and being rejected by others, is a process that takes time and repetition. It’s choosing yourself, over and over again, including when others around you don’t.

Let’s look at it. Rejection registers in you as being unwanted, not welcome. On a physical level, it’s not unlike the fear of being left to die. That kind of helpless panicky state. That’s because at one point in your life, rejection would have meant that. On the emotional level, it can feel like a sinking in your chest and throat. You feel hurt, worthless, vulnerable and totally helpless. After all, everyone has free will and quite literally, anyone can decide to push you away, not include you, put you down, cut contact, make you the scapegoat or the one at fault; without you being able to change that or anything about that. On the mental level, rejection is more like a reason for things. For example, the reason for there being something inherently wrong with you, which therefore makes you unlovable or some other story that you have about why rejection happens or happened to you.

You don’t deserve to be rejected and it makes complete sense that you don’t want it and would do just about anything to avoid it. Just for this moment, however, consider this. You are unique. You are different in many ways from many people. You can access these more authentic parts of yourself using this experience. Rejection is like a compass, showing you more about the real you: who you really are, what you really value, and what you wish to create in your life versus operating from conditioning, social roles and trauma reactivity. It can make you readjust your life and alter your direction, showing you the bigger picture that holds the reasons for disharmony between you and this situation or a person who is rejecting you/their interpretation of an aspect of you. Now I know inside the experience it feels like the rock bottom. If you let yourself feel it, that is. If you do go inside first, before dealing with the external, you can create a lasting change and step out of the part you play in the dynamic that gets played out.

Here’s a process that works in depth with processing rejection: once you have allowed the experience to really be there, you’ve embodied it, you’ve let it sink in, take note of the kind of things you feel you were rejected for, or if that doesn’t work, the things you absolutely detest in yourself (or if you want an even bigger challenge – the things you detest in other people). At first it may feel like the rejection was just for the whole of you. That’s not true though. It can feel overwhelming and all-encompassing, but really it is for something you represented. So it’s always more specific than being rejected for the whole of who you are. For example, you may start with: I feel rejected by my family, because I am so different. This is very general. You’ll need to make it more specific. Such as: I feel rejected, because I’m sensitive/ I detest being sensitive. Now you have a trait or a part of you that you have experienced negative consequences for.

Explore this further: in what ways am I sensitive? You want to have a full picture of this aspect of your identity – how it feels, when it tends to surface, how others have reacted to it, how you view it yourself etc. Go ahead and explore each aspect of the list in as much detail as possible. You want to make yourself the observer here, not blaming or shaming. Whatever you do, do not just take the perspective of the person or the people who rejected you. Describe it from a neutral perspective, really just exploring the aspects with curiosity.

Chances are, you will see the amount of judgement you hold about those aspects of you. It could even be that you wish you didn’t have them at all. Well hello, external reflection of the internal dynamic. Yes, you absolutely will need to tap into your determination to widen your perspective. It can be difficult to not hate yourself, regret and self-blame for having a trait that got you rejected and feeling like you can never fit in. What I’m suggesting here, is the complete and total opposite. For the next step, look for how this aspect of you is right, worthy, lovable, useful, efficient even: being sensitive is good, because.. List anything as proof that is believable or feels true to you personally. Make it long. At the very least 10 things for why you approve of having this aspect.

Notice that how we word something shows our attitude towards that thing. For example, I may find a trait that is ‘unreliable’. If I go through the process and turn it into something that I can approve of, it may change from unreliable to spontaneous, depending on your proof of course. Traits are just traits, with positive and negative ways of being expressed and the potential of being received or rejected. The meaning you give them, depends on how others have reacted to them in the environments you’ve been in. You’ve only experienced a tiny portion of possible environments; types of people and types of reactions to this aspect of you.

This brings me to the last step. The now-approved-of-aspect of you needs safe and supporting environment to thrive in. It needs to have a place in your life. And it needs you to take care of it. If you got this far in the process, and genuinely approve of this aspect of yourself, you’ve essentially turned it into its best possible version. You will feel like giving it a suitable outlet and protecting it from harmful environment is exactly what you want to do. If, however, you feel a lot of resistance to including it in your life in a more conscious way, you need to continue work with the previous step. If it all feels too overwhelming, you can look up someone to help you. It could simply be a friend. Or, there are many people, including myself, trained in facilitating the re-owning of aspects of ourselves. Depending on your current circumstances, it may be more or less difficult to make an adjustment or a change that helps this part of you feel safer, more validated, nurtured and loved. Just know that from this space of empathy, you’ve established a deeper connection to yourself and made your internal environment more inclusive. That in itself is already a big step!

The way I see it, rejection is a wake-up call to re-align. It gives us a sense of direction. It’s a turning point. It’s showing you that you can live in more alignment with who you really are and what you really want. When you are authentic and connected to yourself, others have the chance to see the real you, recognize and approve of you. You never know who will, and it won’t be everyone, but once enough people do, the impact from the rest won’t have the same effect anymore. It won’t define you. It cannot. You are free. This means you are free to define yourself and to live your life according to your own unique self!


- Maarja Lall